Originally posted 02/01/2004
-This is the first installment of Yesterday's News and it would be foolish to start anywhere other than the most important, hyped and watched event in the world yesterday. Yes, I'm talking about when Janet Jackson whipped out her tit on the Super Bowl halftime show.
To be fair, Justin Timberlake did the whipping out, during a lip synced performance of his song, well, shit, I couldn't tell you the name of it to save my life. Anyway, there's this line about "being nekkid", and, sensing that there may be one breast on the planet he had yet to see in person, Justin disrobed Janet's bejeweled bosom to the delight of a world audience, including the three hundred or so countries where seeing a woman's naked breast gets you arrested, stoned and your eyes ripped out and fed to hyenas.
CBS's Leslianne Wade released a statement saying, "CBS deeply regrets the incident" Adding, "But damn, that was hot! I saw areola! I fucking swear I did!"
For his part in the event, Justin Timberlake blamed the people in charge of dressing Jackson. He said, "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl. It was not intentional and is regrettable." He then continued, "Because if I could have gotten it off sooner, I could have really sucked the shit out of that nipple! Damn. What the hell did the costumers put it together with? Teflon cord? I haven't had to work that hard releasing a nipple since Britney accidentally zipped hers up in that red leather jumpsuit."
NFL executive vice president Joe Brown was equally perturbed, saying, "We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced halftime show. They were totally inconsistent with assurances our office was given about the content of the show." Brown then added, "I was told that both breasts would be exposed, would be bouncing and that the camera would fixate on them for at least the 23 and half seconds it would take me to ejaculate. It's unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime."
For its part in the event, MTV was also remorseful. In their statement, they apologized by saying the moment was "unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional and was inconsistent with assurances we had about the content of the performance. Janet was supposed to actually remove her pants, bend over and let Timberlake penetrate her anally. Again, we're sorry. We really dropped the ball on this one."
-In a related story, Super Bowl 38 was actually played and it was a pretty good one. The final score was New England Satan's Nut Sacks (a.k.a. Patriots) 32, Carolina Panthers 29.
-In Holland, Michigan, a nerd proved it was possible, much to the scientific communities' disbelief to actually pass on his genetic code as John Blake Cusack and his wife Jamie welcomed son, John Blake Cusack 2.0 into the world last Tuesday. "I wanted to find something different to name him besides Jon Blake," Cusack said, adding, "I never made it through a day of public school without having my underwear pulled over my head and neither should he." A self-described "geek", John said convincing his wife Jamie was difficult, but won out when his other suggestions of "Worf Tiberius" and "Obi Wan Kosh" were taken off the table. In the electronic birth announcement, John stated that 2.0 has "...a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," He continued, "We're leaving him uncircumcised too, just to make sure the poor little guy doesn't stand a chance."
To be fair, Justin Timberlake did the whipping out, during a lip synced performance of his song, well, shit, I couldn't tell you the name of it to save my life. Anyway, there's this line about "being nekkid", and, sensing that there may be one breast on the planet he had yet to see in person, Justin disrobed Janet's bejeweled bosom to the delight of a world audience, including the three hundred or so countries where seeing a woman's naked breast gets you arrested, stoned and your eyes ripped out and fed to hyenas.
CBS's Leslianne Wade released a statement saying, "CBS deeply regrets the incident" Adding, "But damn, that was hot! I saw areola! I fucking swear I did!"
For his part in the event, Justin Timberlake blamed the people in charge of dressing Jackson. He said, "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl. It was not intentional and is regrettable." He then continued, "Because if I could have gotten it off sooner, I could have really sucked the shit out of that nipple! Damn. What the hell did the costumers put it together with? Teflon cord? I haven't had to work that hard releasing a nipple since Britney accidentally zipped hers up in that red leather jumpsuit."
NFL executive vice president Joe Brown was equally perturbed, saying, "We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced halftime show. They were totally inconsistent with assurances our office was given about the content of the show." Brown then added, "I was told that both breasts would be exposed, would be bouncing and that the camera would fixate on them for at least the 23 and half seconds it would take me to ejaculate. It's unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime."
For its part in the event, MTV was also remorseful. In their statement, they apologized by saying the moment was "unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional and was inconsistent with assurances we had about the content of the performance. Janet was supposed to actually remove her pants, bend over and let Timberlake penetrate her anally. Again, we're sorry. We really dropped the ball on this one."
-In a related story, Super Bowl 38 was actually played and it was a pretty good one. The final score was New England Satan's Nut Sacks (a.k.a. Patriots) 32, Carolina Panthers 29.
-In Holland, Michigan, a nerd proved it was possible, much to the scientific communities' disbelief to actually pass on his genetic code as John Blake Cusack and his wife Jamie welcomed son, John Blake Cusack 2.0 into the world last Tuesday. "I wanted to find something different to name him besides Jon Blake," Cusack said, adding, "I never made it through a day of public school without having my underwear pulled over my head and neither should he." A self-described "geek", John said convincing his wife Jamie was difficult, but won out when his other suggestions of "Worf Tiberius" and "Obi Wan Kosh" were taken off the table. In the electronic birth announcement, John stated that 2.0 has "...a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," He continued, "We're leaving him uncircumcised too, just to make sure the poor little guy doesn't stand a chance."
posted by AdamGreene @ 5:08 PM
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