Originally posted 02/02/2004
-Groundhog Day is a time of celebration for the good folks in Punxsutawney, PA. And today was no different as famous weather forecaster, Phil the groundhog, popped out of his hole this morning, saw Janet Jackson's boob, and predicted six more weeks of sexy. Immortalized by the movie starring Bill Murray, Phil also managed to see his shadow Monday morning, and while far less interesting than Jackson's nipple ring, that is the one job the lazy bastard actually has. In a statement Phil labored on for weeks, he got political, saying, "I'm glad I live in this luxurious burrow on the knob, and not in a dirty, smelly, spider hole like a slob. When I come out, I don't want to negotiate; but to just do my job and prognosticate." Surely truer words have never spoken by a giant, 80 pound buck-toothed rat.
-"He misrepresented himself, grossly misrepresented himself, as a candidate who would take on special interests in Washington, instead he's spent the last twelve years filming himself having sex with goats" blithering madman Howard Dean said of democratic frontrunner John Kerry on the eve of Tuesday's seven state primary. The harsh rhetoric has been emblematic of a tough primary race between Kerry, who's won every single one held, and Dean, who has spent the last three weeks huddled in a bathroom floor in a puddle of his own piss.
Undaunted, Kerry snapped back at Dean's charges. "My record responds to that," he said. "I have fought powerful special interests every step of the way." He then added, 'And I have never, even once, filmed any of the sex I've had with goats."
"I don't know what happened to Dean's positive campaign, but it is the shortest-lived positive campaign I have ever seen," Kerry said Monday in Tucson while wiping goat's milk from above his lip.
Since becoming the frontrunner, Kerry's new fresh "Son of Frankenstein-ian" face has brought about charges that he's recently injected a horrible poison called Botox into his face in order to kill his facial muscles. A charge Kerry has denied, stating publicly that he just always looks this cadaver-y. "When you have no soul," Kerry said through his zombie-like monotone, "the eyebrow movement is the first thing to go."
For his part in the fray, John Edwards has kept away from any goat-fucking and botox allegations, focusing instead on where Kerry's campaign contributions have come from, saying, "I don't take contributions from lobbyists, and he obviously does."
To which Kerry responded, "Well, duh, Gomer. Why the hell do you think I'm winning?"
-"He misrepresented himself, grossly misrepresented himself, as a candidate who would take on special interests in Washington, instead he's spent the last twelve years filming himself having sex with goats" blithering madman Howard Dean said of democratic frontrunner John Kerry on the eve of Tuesday's seven state primary. The harsh rhetoric has been emblematic of a tough primary race between Kerry, who's won every single one held, and Dean, who has spent the last three weeks huddled in a bathroom floor in a puddle of his own piss.
Undaunted, Kerry snapped back at Dean's charges. "My record responds to that," he said. "I have fought powerful special interests every step of the way." He then added, 'And I have never, even once, filmed any of the sex I've had with goats."
"I don't know what happened to Dean's positive campaign, but it is the shortest-lived positive campaign I have ever seen," Kerry said Monday in Tucson while wiping goat's milk from above his lip.
Since becoming the frontrunner, Kerry's new fresh "Son of Frankenstein-ian" face has brought about charges that he's recently injected a horrible poison called Botox into his face in order to kill his facial muscles. A charge Kerry has denied, stating publicly that he just always looks this cadaver-y. "When you have no soul," Kerry said through his zombie-like monotone, "the eyebrow movement is the first thing to go."
For his part in the fray, John Edwards has kept away from any goat-fucking and botox allegations, focusing instead on where Kerry's campaign contributions have come from, saying, "I don't take contributions from lobbyists, and he obviously does."
To which Kerry responded, "Well, duh, Gomer. Why the hell do you think I'm winning?"
posted by AdamGreene @ 5:25 PM
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