Originally posted 02/13/2004
-The democratic presidential primary was kneed in the groin Wednesday by allegations that someone in the world might have willingly had sex with John Kerry that wasn’t contractually obligated to. And, yes, gag. As broken on The Drudge Report, John’s been giving an intern his own “cigar as speculum” treatment. In a panic Kerry gave the (evidently blind) intern an all expenses paid trip to Africa, thinking that, perhaps, Antarctica might have seemed a tad too suspicious. In an interview on Imus in the Morning, the pathetically small audience heard Kerry’s denial, saying, “there is nothing to report.” He then added, “Because if I’d slid in and out of that sweet, sweet, young ass I would have reported it. You know what I’m saying? I think you do. Oh yeah.” Kerry then attempted to wink, but the botox needle jutting over his eye socket prevented it.
Aside: You know, if I can plant the haunting visual of John Kerry having sex into just one person’s brain, my job here is done.
(Note from the future...or at least today[04/04/2005]. When I wrote this next section I wasn't aware that Bill O'Reilly had had this book out for a while. I saw and ad and thought it was new. In my defense, I have a life and no desire to read any of O'Reilly's books and feel no shame in not knowing his bibliography. The irony is, I actually found this out by reading Al Franken's book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.)
-In an attempt to assault and destroy all literature, TV commentator and professional screaming head Bill O’Reilly has written a novel. In Those Who Trespass, the main character, Tommy O’Malley (not kidding, that’s the name. He should have gone with Phil O’Schreilly. It would have been less obvious that way) attempts to solve a string of very “Clue: The Board Game” style murders at Global News Network (aka GNN). For instance, one white house correspondent is killed with a silver spoon at Martha’s Vineyard. And, again, I promise I’m NOT KIDDING. During the mystery, the main character tries to hook up with super hot reporter Ashley Van Buren who, most likely, is not based in any way on super hot CNN reporter Ashleigh Banfield. I mean, the “Ashley” is spelled totally different and the last name, starting with a “B,” is obviously much different when you stick a “Van” in there. Come on, people. Bill isn’t confessing a pathetic, secret crush here at all. I’m guessing, but I’d also bet that “Tommy” at one point fights Hollywood actor Jeorge Flooney to the death, tosses comedian Sal Frankmen off a roof, kills each and every illegal immigrant crossing the U.S./Mexico border with a kitchen knife and angrily tells a terrorist attack victim’s son to “Shut up! Just shut your stinkin’ mouth!”
-Maurice Clarett won’t have to wait until 2005 to buy his gold-plated Escalade, as U.S. District Court Judge Shira Scheindlin ruled that he could enter the NFL draft this year. Clarett had been denied eligibility by the NFL because of a rule stating that a player has to have been out of high school for three years before they can be drafted. Clarett responded to that, saying that he had never been to class in high school anyway and all his work was done by “some nerd named Toby something-or-other”. He then tried in vain to read aloud an employee’s name tag at McDonald’s, saying, “Yeah, Keel el lee. I’ll have the Big Mac extra value meal. And sup-per sieyeezeee it.”
-The U.S. Men’s Soccer team gave us, as a country, one more reason to hate them as they were eliminated from competing in the Olympic Games by losing to Team Mexico 4-0 while their fans chanted “Osama! Osama!” and threw bags of urine on the field. What a bunch of pussies. And I’m not talking about the Mexican fans. Yes, anyone that would do that is human shaped shit, but if our players can’t pull it together and win the game while fans pelt them with piss and praises to their worst enemy, they suck an ass the size of Texas. This was a movie moment. This was a “Do you believe in miracles?” kind of thing. This was the time you could have really put your sport on the American map and given us, as a country, a reason to even learn your names. Yes, fuck you Mexican soccer fans. You should all rot in hell. But fuck you too, U.S. Soccer team. You should all be cleated in the nuts.
-On UPN’s Game Over, a computer generated comedy about a family of video game characters debuting March 10th, the Smashenburn family (Rip, the dad-Raquel, the mom- Alice, the daughter- Billy, the son) can look forward to a visit from the Tomb Raider herself, Lara Croft in an upcoming episode. In the show, Lara will visit the family and let Rip and Billy stare at her large digitized breasts. In a related episode, the guy from GTA: Vice City smashes his car into their house, has sex with Raquel, then shoots her in the face with a rocket launcher.
-Conan O’Brien hasn’t been in Canada for even a week and he’s already pissed off the entire country. And, one more time, unbelievably, I AM NOT KIDDING. In an appearance by Triumph: The insult comic dog, Triumph insulted the Canadian national pride by saying, “You’re French.. I can smell your crotch from here.” Conan’s show has also been replacing street signs with ones saying “Quebequeer Street” and “Rues Des Pussies”. All funny and wonderful things, but Canadians, ironically, seem to be lacking a sense of humor. A country whose main export seems to be comedians can’t get the joke? Alex McDonough, from the New Democratic party (even nuttier than our clown car of a democratic party, it seems) said, “There may be those who would say, 'Isn't this interfering with freedom of expression?' It's not interfering to say we will not publicly fund this kind of vile, vicious hatemongering.” He then added, “I live on Quebequeer street! And I will not stand being called a queer by an inanimate street sign!” Late Night with Conan O’Brien is broadcast in Canada by CHUM television (CHUM? For God’s sake, Canada. What the hell?). Chum was contrite, issuing a statement, “We offer our apology and assurance that it is never our intention to air programming that offends any of our viewers.” In another statement released just today, Triumph also expressed regret, stating, “Yes. Yes. Canada is a beautiful country. A wonderful, fantastic country. A terrific, spectacular country… … … … … for me to poop on.”
Aside: You know, if I can plant the haunting visual of John Kerry having sex into just one person’s brain, my job here is done.
(Note from the future...or at least today[04/04/2005]. When I wrote this next section I wasn't aware that Bill O'Reilly had had this book out for a while. I saw and ad and thought it was new. In my defense, I have a life and no desire to read any of O'Reilly's books and feel no shame in not knowing his bibliography. The irony is, I actually found this out by reading Al Franken's book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.)
-In an attempt to assault and destroy all literature, TV commentator and professional screaming head Bill O’Reilly has written a novel. In Those Who Trespass, the main character, Tommy O’Malley (not kidding, that’s the name. He should have gone with Phil O’Schreilly. It would have been less obvious that way) attempts to solve a string of very “Clue: The Board Game” style murders at Global News Network (aka GNN). For instance, one white house correspondent is killed with a silver spoon at Martha’s Vineyard. And, again, I promise I’m NOT KIDDING. During the mystery, the main character tries to hook up with super hot reporter Ashley Van Buren who, most likely, is not based in any way on super hot CNN reporter Ashleigh Banfield. I mean, the “Ashley” is spelled totally different and the last name, starting with a “B,” is obviously much different when you stick a “Van” in there. Come on, people. Bill isn’t confessing a pathetic, secret crush here at all. I’m guessing, but I’d also bet that “Tommy” at one point fights Hollywood actor Jeorge Flooney to the death, tosses comedian Sal Frankmen off a roof, kills each and every illegal immigrant crossing the U.S./Mexico border with a kitchen knife and angrily tells a terrorist attack victim’s son to “Shut up! Just shut your stinkin’ mouth!”
-Maurice Clarett won’t have to wait until 2005 to buy his gold-plated Escalade, as U.S. District Court Judge Shira Scheindlin ruled that he could enter the NFL draft this year. Clarett had been denied eligibility by the NFL because of a rule stating that a player has to have been out of high school for three years before they can be drafted. Clarett responded to that, saying that he had never been to class in high school anyway and all his work was done by “some nerd named Toby something-or-other”. He then tried in vain to read aloud an employee’s name tag at McDonald’s, saying, “Yeah, Keel el lee. I’ll have the Big Mac extra value meal. And sup-per sieyeezeee it.”
-The U.S. Men’s Soccer team gave us, as a country, one more reason to hate them as they were eliminated from competing in the Olympic Games by losing to Team Mexico 4-0 while their fans chanted “Osama! Osama!” and threw bags of urine on the field. What a bunch of pussies. And I’m not talking about the Mexican fans. Yes, anyone that would do that is human shaped shit, but if our players can’t pull it together and win the game while fans pelt them with piss and praises to their worst enemy, they suck an ass the size of Texas. This was a movie moment. This was a “Do you believe in miracles?” kind of thing. This was the time you could have really put your sport on the American map and given us, as a country, a reason to even learn your names. Yes, fuck you Mexican soccer fans. You should all rot in hell. But fuck you too, U.S. Soccer team. You should all be cleated in the nuts.
-On UPN’s Game Over, a computer generated comedy about a family of video game characters debuting March 10th, the Smashenburn family (Rip, the dad-Raquel, the mom- Alice, the daughter- Billy, the son) can look forward to a visit from the Tomb Raider herself, Lara Croft in an upcoming episode. In the show, Lara will visit the family and let Rip and Billy stare at her large digitized breasts. In a related episode, the guy from GTA: Vice City smashes his car into their house, has sex with Raquel, then shoots her in the face with a rocket launcher.
-Conan O’Brien hasn’t been in Canada for even a week and he’s already pissed off the entire country. And, one more time, unbelievably, I AM NOT KIDDING. In an appearance by Triumph: The insult comic dog, Triumph insulted the Canadian national pride by saying, “You’re French.. I can smell your crotch from here.” Conan’s show has also been replacing street signs with ones saying “Quebequeer Street” and “Rues Des Pussies”. All funny and wonderful things, but Canadians, ironically, seem to be lacking a sense of humor. A country whose main export seems to be comedians can’t get the joke? Alex McDonough, from the New Democratic party (even nuttier than our clown car of a democratic party, it seems) said, “There may be those who would say, 'Isn't this interfering with freedom of expression?' It's not interfering to say we will not publicly fund this kind of vile, vicious hatemongering.” He then added, “I live on Quebequeer street! And I will not stand being called a queer by an inanimate street sign!” Late Night with Conan O’Brien is broadcast in Canada by CHUM television (CHUM? For God’s sake, Canada. What the hell?). Chum was contrite, issuing a statement, “We offer our apology and assurance that it is never our intention to air programming that offends any of our viewers.” In another statement released just today, Triumph also expressed regret, stating, “Yes. Yes. Canada is a beautiful country. A wonderful, fantastic country. A terrific, spectacular country… … … … … for me to poop on.”
posted by AdamGreene @ 2:21 PM
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