Originally posted 02/20/2004

-It took him 53 years, but former Vermont Governor Howard Dean finally discovered something that the rest of us already knew: He is a big loser. Yes, after being ass-raped by his fellow democratic nominees, Howard Dean has officially suspended his campaign for president. "I am no longer actively pursuing the presidency," Dean screamed as he was tasered by a group of Montpelier, VT police during a nude rampage through Shaws supermarket. "We will, however, continue to build a new organization using our enormous grass-roots network to continue the effort to transform the Democratic Party and to change our country,” he wailed through a rain of billy clubs striking his head and shoulders. As he was dragged from the supermarket, covered only by an officer’s spare coat and the thick mane of curly gray ape-hair that God gave him, Dean cried out to the gawking crowd of hippies and hacky sack players saying, "The bottom line is that we must beat George W. Bush in November, whatever it takes! HAAAAAROOOOOOOOOO!" Later, as he flung his fresh feces at his fellow cellmates at the Montpelier detention center, he yelled, “There is enormous institutional pressure in Washington against change, in the Democratic Party against change. Yet, you have already started to change the party and together we have transformed this race! The fight that we began can and must continue!" Goodbye, Howard Dean. You will be missed.

-For all intents and purposes the democratic race is down to the two Johns; Kerry and Edwards. Because of that, and the fact that he’s been crushed like Ted Kennedy’s last fifteen senate chairs, Edwards has challenged Kerry to a policy debate on This Week with George Stephanopoulis before the upcoming primary in Georgia. He wants to focus on their differences, stating, “He supported NAFTA. I voted against NAFTA and other trade agreements that he supported, and I think it's been devastating to our economy. But I think more importantly the voters of Georgia need to hear what our differences are across the whole broad range of issues.” He continued, “Like, for instance, I’m a handsome man and he’s a freakish flesh-eating soulless corpse. I want to meet you and talk about your problems. He wants to consume your brain. You know, just your basic stuff.”

-Ralph Nader is back! Al Gore’s favorite Green Party candidate and the first person to taste the bitter sting of a Michael Moore endorsement, has tossed his feathered elf hat into the ring with another laughable run at the White House. Unlike last time, when he had all four members of the Green Party and their yellow and white VW van behind him, he’ll be running as an independent.