Originally posted 09/04/2004

Tony couldn’t believe his luck as he happened upon Marilyn Manson while holding his specially made “Marilyn Manson Ass Blaster™” and power glove.


I’d thought about making some lame joke like, “And I say to you, John Kerry, Hasta la vista, baby.” Until I realized that Arnold could easily make a statement almost exactly like that at any moment.


I’d like to give a shout out to all the fine-looking ladies in navy blue pants suits in the audience tonight.


Canada’s Alexandre Despatie celebrates winning a silver medal in the 100 Meter Homoerotic Double Fist Pump.


Cursing the lack of properly scheduled snack breaks at the Republican National Convention, Michael Moore begins eating his own left hand.


"And so I took John Kerry’s Dagwood sandwich. And I ate the whole damn thing. I even left the empty bag in the Senate fridge that had 'J.K. DO NOT EAT' written on it. That’s right, John. IT WAS ME!"