The XFL, Because Adam Greene Said So.

(This article originally appeared on the now-dead NFLScoop.com Feb. 2001.)

©Adam Greene 2001

When the XFL was first announced, owner Vince McMahon claimed the “X” stood for “eXciting”, “eXhilarating” and “eXtreme”. When McMahon was told that none of those words started with the letter “X”, he punched the reporter in the face and poured a warm beer over his prone, unconscious body.

Thus, the match made in heaven, if by heaven you mean the hose-down room in a Malibu strip club, between the WWF and NBC began. This was supposed to be real football. Football with no rules. Gladiatorial contests where men fought for honor and honor alone... with six or seven ex Hooters waitresses grinding on the sidelines. It was to be everything the NFL was not.

Well, after watching the first game, all I can say is, “Vince, mission accomplished.”

Because I can actually be entertained by the NFL.

The XFL, on the other hand, was an endurance contest that, without the help of my “picture in picture” TV, I honestly don’t think I could have completed. McMahon should have warned us ahead of time that the “X” actually stood for “eXcruciating”, “eXcrement-like”, and “eXceptionally horrid”. It was indeed a spectacle... much in the same way a dog licking its anus is a spectacle. You can’t look away, but you’re glad you have no personal stake in it.

The contest starred the Las Vegas Outlaws, the New York/New Jersey Hitmen and the 40 or so players on each team that you’ve more than likely never heard of. These guys were supposedly playing “for the love of the game” only. I’m sure the hopes that an NFL scout might accidentally hit the TV remote as he reaches for the phone to call in a Little Caesars Stuffed Crust pizza had nothing to do with it at all. I couldn’t help but wonder if the only real thought on their minds was “So this is what my $50,000 college education got me.” The game, as all XFL games will be, was played on a natural surface, proving that there’s more grass in Las Vegas than what the staff smokes in the Sands’ restrooms.

There are some different rules in this new league. The first you’ll notice is the mad dash to the football that takes the place of the coin toss. The philosophy behind this, according to “Director or President of Something or Other” Dick Butkis (Hey, I can’t be bothered to learn everyone’s title here), was that “if you want the ball, you need to get the ball.” Well, great, but it looked to me like he should have said, “if you want to replace your lower intestines with a football, you need to run as fast as you can and jump on the football.” How anyone retained a working diaphragm, I’ll never know.

The pay scale is vastly different from the NFL’s as well. Quarterbacks make $5,000 a game, all other players make $4,500, except for kickers who get a wedgie and a free rental from Blockbuster.

Another big change from regular, entertaining football is that in the XFL, there's no "fair catch". Basically, instead of a fair catch, the XFL coverage team must give the receiving player a five-yard halo, and then try to tackle him. This is a move that should really be applauded. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said while watching an NFL telecast, “He’s calling for a ‘fair catch’. It’s this kind of crap that’s ruining the game!”

The game was moderated by Jessie “the belly” Ventura and Matt “the weenie” Vasgersian. You might recognize Vasgersian from those 989 Sports video game commercials that mocked ESPN’s wisecracking Sportscenter. You might recognize Jessie Ventura from your gubernatorial ballot. Good job, Minnesota.

The players in the XFL don’t have to put their names on the back of their jerseys...because that’s “old thinking”, “restrictive to creativity”, and “would make too much sense”. Instead, they can pick a nickname like “Hurricane” or “Tornado” or “Prisoner #857B”. My favorite nickname was picked by Las Vegas running back Rod Smart who had the phrase “He Hate Me” on the back of his jersey. And you know what? He was right. I did hate him.

The game began with a surreal round of self-humiliation as the home team players actually introduced themselves to the cameras. Most said their name and what college they attended, which was fine. It was those few fine fellows who decided to expound on themselves, their family and their talent that had me diving for the remote. At one point, a player gave “shout outs” to everyone in his particular branch of his family tree, admonishing the camera man who attempted to pull away that “I’m not done!”. He finally finished with a “peace” to his wife, informing her that she did indeed, “complete him”. He then screamed to Vince McMahon to “show him the money!” and finally entered the huddle informing the quarterback that he “had him at hello.”

Of course, this wouldn’t be a Vince McMahon venture without scantily clad women gyrating about, and the XFL cheerleaders were attractive... in that, “You can look at my breasts if you show me a folded $5 bill” kind of way. At one point when the game returned from a commercial break, we learned that one of the XFL cheerleaders, we’ll call her Amber because that’s as likely to be her name as anything, was a law student by day. We know this is true because we see her sitting at a desk typing and wearing glasses with her hair up. She then tells us, “But by night, I’m an XFL cheerleader” while taking off her glasses and letting her hair down. See? With the glasses on, she’s a law student and with them off, she’s a cheerleader. She’s just like Superman only more likely to kiss a girl.

The game was secondary to all this and the Outlaws won it 19-0. The ratings were pretty big though, and I’m sure Vince McMahon and NBC are all patting themselves on their hunched, steroid-filled backs right now. They’re proud, because this is a new era, a new tradition and a new league...named the XFL.

But, as I always say, “It doesn’t matter what your name is.”