Average Joe 2: Hawaii
© Adam Greene 2004
(Originally posted 3-11-2004)
I have, with much joy, watched each and every reality dating show there is. I watched Aaron Beurge ruin three beautiful women for life on the second Bachelor. I’ve seen Erin Brodie dump the all time goofiest bachelor in history, Rob Campos, in exchange for a million dollars. I witnessed Haley Arp dry humping guys dressed as Mexican wrestlers on Mr. Personality. I have even observed the incredibly uncomfortable, robotic, and hilariously stereotypical gay dates of Boy Meets Boy’s James Getzlaff. Still, nothing could have prepared me for the pure, unmitigated joy I was given by NBC’s Average Joe.
First off, it must be noted that Average Joe has brought us the two all time hottest Reality TV bachelorettes in history. BY FAR. Average Joe 1 starred Melana Scantlin, 2002’s Miss Missouri.
This is her:
Yeah. That’s right. God help us all. Now, sure, your Haleys, Helenes and Tristas are lovely women. Granted, you can keep your giant-faced Merediths, skeletal Estellas and uber-perky Kelly Jos, but there have been a handful of truly attractive ladies on these dating shows.
Then Melana shows up and sets them all on fire. In addition to being a former Miss Missouri and Miss USA contestant, she was also a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader. She pretty much meets every single unreasonable and unrealistic standard you selected for your future girlfriend when you were twelve.
I know you’re thinking, “Well done, NBC,” but you know absolutely nothing.
I give you Average Joe 2’s Larissa Meeks:
Where Melana’s hotness could certainly cause skin irritation, some blistering, and the need for various ointments and creams, Larissa burned the very eyes from your sockets, cooked your internal organs and left you a dried, mummified corpse. Larissa was 2001’s Miss Missouri and 4th runner-up in that year’s Miss USA pageant. If Melana was the girlfriend you specifically requested from God at twelve, Larissa’s the one you would have left her for.
Why is all this worth mentioning? Because on Average Joe, this is the sort of guy NBC found for Melana and Larissa to date:
Meet David Daskal. He’s a mail sorter and lifetime wedgie recipient from Maryland Heights, MO. David says he doesn’t date many women because he’s “picky”. Uh-huh.
And here’s Tony with his design-o-beard. He’s a bald mutant with no sweat glands. Seriously. He cannot sweat. It was okay, because his lack of perspiration was more than made up for by the copious amounts of sweat pooling under:
Sean! The human hydration machine! In one episode, Sean flooded an entire kitchen from overly exerting himself while slicing a tomato.
So you see the beauty of this show. Where NBC pretended they were trying to discover whether an “average” guy could hook up with an all-world hot chick, in reality they had scoured the country for a circus-worthy group of freaks, jackoffs, fat bastards, geeks and nerds. Awesome.
Let’s take a look, shall we. Let’s start with…
THE FREAKS
Playing for the freaks in AJ2, we have the aforementioned Tony:
In addition to being bald, sweat gland-less, and the author of a self-induced beard mangling, Tony’s also an artist who can’t do art. On his and Larissa’s first date, he suggested they each paint a picture of one another. We never really get to see much of Larissa’s, but if she’d managed so much as a very dry-looking stickman with magic marker on his face, she captured Tony perfectly. Tony’s painting, on the other hand, became a recurring plot point. He worked on it for episodes at a time before finally presenting it to her. And when he unveiled the painting at last, it looked just like Larissa. If she’d been exhumed from her grave thirty or so years after her death and had died from sucking a poisoned lemon.
This is CJ:
CJ is a Civil Engineer from Denver, CO. and the proud father of a HUGE puss-filled herpes sore growing on the right side of his mouth. On the Average Joe website, CJ laments that Larissa never really got to know him. I can’t imagine why she might avoid a guy with an oozing, Lovecraftian boil undulating on his face. Girls usually love that.
CJ and Tony are joined on the Freak Team by Chris:
Chris is a musician (supposedly) who dresses like an extra in a Wisconsin public school version of Grease. All the time. Every day of his life. When asked what kind of women he usually dates, Chris said “artists, Rockabilly girls and vintage-inspired girls,” Yeah… So fat chicks, then.
Let’s now move to…
THE JACKOFFS:
This is Tim:
Tim took time off planning his next serial killing to join the cast of a reality show. In one episode, Tim was supposed to “box” Tony, but instead decided to add him to the human skin-coat he’s been crafting the last two and a half years by attacking him like a wild be-freckled animal.
Tim can get stalking advice from fellow Jackoff Brian G.:
Brian G. spends his spare time at the local gym secretly following around a girl who looks like Kristen Davis from Sex and the City and pretending to fish quarters out of his pocket to buy protein bars when he’s caught mid rub-off behind the lat machine.
Batting next for the Jackoffs is Justin:
Justin is an environmental scientist and recipient of more than twenty bee stings while on the show. Justin left early due to a “personal” issue and didn’t get the chance to be rejected by Larissa face to face. Dammit.
And now, the very king of the Jackoffs, Fredo:
Fredo is a 31 year-old construction worker with a ponytail. What sets him apart is that he actually believed he stood a chance with Larissa throughout the show until he witnessed her on the beach giving “good looking” guy Jim a tonsil exam with her tongue from the comfort of… wait for it… HIS SUBMARINE! YES! A fucking submarine! In a move so inspired, as if taken from some ethereal “idea” realm where cherubs give forth quadratic nuclear equations and works of great art and literature, the producers actually provided Fredo with his own submarine in order to spy on Jim and Larissa’s Cinemax workout. Fredo was shocked at Larissa’s actions and turned his mini-sub around to delve into the dark depths of the Pacific Ocean, never to be seen or heard from again.
Now we come to the…
FAT BASTARDS.
We’ve already mentioned Sean:
Sean is, not surprisingly, a chef. He also moonlights as a garden sprinkler. Sean produces roughly seventeen and a half quarts of sweat per minute. He dripped, dribbled and spurted non stop until he was finally given a very slippery heave-ho from the show. Sean produced so much water that he actually looked kind of refreshing. Like a condensation-beaded bottle of Sprite in a commercial. I’m thirsty just thinking about him.
We should add Bill:
We didn’t see much of Bill, as Larissa kicked the fatties to the curb pretty quick. He made the first cut and that was it. His downfall was probably the group scuba date with Larissa where a Japanese whaling ship pulled along side him in the water, harpooned him and then harvested his sex organs and precious oils. As a guy, you really can’t recover from something like that.
Squeezed next to Bill at the buffet table is Donato:
I think Donato’s problems began when he attempted to give Larissa a piece of sugar cane (because she was “so sweet”), but then brutally mauled her in order to get it back. He was distraught at his elimination, saying that he would one day “make someone a really good man” which isn’t true. By my estimation, Donato could make someone at least four really good men.
Rounding out the round ones was Samuel:
Sam could never get close enough to Larissa to have a private conversation because his giant trampoline-like belly always propelled her like a rag-doll across the patio. He was, unsurprisingly, eliminated in the same episode as Donato and Bill. But shockingly, Sean the sweaty chef hung around for one more episode humidifying and frizzing the hair of all who stood near him.
THE GEEKS:
What’s the difference between a “geek” and a “nerd” you ask? It’s simple. A nerd knows he’s a giant spaz, has come to terms with it, accepted it, and is able to gain some enjoyment out of his sad sack little life. A geek is completely oblivious to the fact that he’s a foaming tool.
Our first geek is Robert:
Robert looks like the product of a failed experiment to genetically combine Adam Sandler and that vulture with the giant goozle from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. This experiment, while giving Robert life, stripped him of the ability to speak coherently. He manages a few words, but within seconds his language becomes a babbling mouthful of pool balls, punctuated by his tongue jutting from his mouth and his eyes crossing. On the Average Joe website, Robert says that after speaking with Larissa, “I just felt like this great big goober”. An insult to goobers everywhere, I assure you.
Standing unpicked for the gym class baseball game along with Robert is Thomas:
Thomas is a rapper and break dancer. Oh yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. I said, THOMAS IS A RAPPER AND BREAK DANCER. Thomas is also 5-4 and on the website said that if he could change one thing about himself, he would be 5-9. Yes. He dreams of the lofty heights of 5 feet 9 inches tall. Cheer up, Thomas. If you were taller, there would just be more of you to make fun of.
And in the corner oblivious to the dry booger dangling from his nostril is Phuc.
Phuc, pronounced “FOOK”, not “Fucking Tubby Shit-brick”, came to the show as a young overweight Asian man pretending to be a young overweight white man trying to act black. Phuc, an accountant from Brockton, MA, must have had some bad luncheon meat on the flight to Kona, because by the time he checked into the “Average Joe” house, he was under the impression that he was a full on Crip gangsta from the hood. And if you know Brockton, Massachusetts, you know the Crips absolutely own the place. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Adam, shouldn’t Phuc be a Fat Bastard?” Just cosmetically, because Phuc was not only under the impression that he was of African ancestry, but that he was cool as well. Unforgivable. One of Phuc’s last moments on the show pretty much sums him up. As Larissa tried to speak to him privately, Phuc found himself unable to actually look her in the bikini for fear of popping a stubby little boner (and come to think of it, Phuc actually looked like an anthropomorphic stubby little boner). Yeah. I know. What a Phuc-ing geek.
And now, a special word about Brain Worth:
Brain is a 31 year-old Auditor for the Department of Homeland Security. Yes. One of the people protecting our country from terrorists was one of the Average Joe dip-rods. Brian warrants special mention for many reasons, not the least of which is that he made it to the end of the show. (Larissa was contractually obligated to keep a goof-ball on the show until the final episode.) Brian broke the ice with Larissa in his first alone time by asking her, “If you had a wish in one hand, and a lump of crap in the other, what do you think would come true?” Larissa chose the wish, in the vain hope that she could wish herself away from Brian and his feces related fantasies. You know, that’s the first thing I think of when I see a mythically beautiful woman. I wonder how she’d like a genie and a fistload of shit. It’s also worth noting that Brian added the word “wicked” to other words like “bad”, “cool” and “awesome” unironically. Which, as you know, is wicked dorky.
THE NERDS:
Ladies, prepare yourselves for Matthew Botti:
Matthew is a 5-4, 24 year-old virgin with braces covering his giant, squash-colored horse-teeth. Those of you that watched the show may remember Matthew describing himself as “pretty cool”, warranting his inclusion with the geeks. I disagree. The guy admitted he was a virgin on national television. Not that it would have done him any good to deny it, but still, it takes real balls to admit that no one but you has ever touched your real balls.
Now we reintroduce ourselves to David Daskal:
David was, for a while, the star of the show and the very symbol of how badly Larissa was being hosed. In one competition, the “Joes” had to swim around a buoy and then ride a bicycle. David, after finishing his achingly slow swim in his giant lifejacket, had to bow out of the contest because he had never ridden a bike before. He didn’t know how. David did manage an alone date with Larissa before he was flushed, during which he not only serenaded her with a rock song he’d written especially for her, he , unbelievably, kissed her. Watching Larissa pull away from David and then realize she was on TV and would look like a bitch if she didn’t let him touch his spastic lips to her perfect ones was positively surreal. A lifetime of horror in one split second. It was like watching Fear Factor. You could tell she would have rather have been eating a donkey’s anus at that moment. Instead, she had to endure David pressing his tragically ugly face against hers, filling her nostrils with the smell of spam and cheese whiz. It was great.
It bears mentioning that David, wank that he is, is completely and totally settled in his identity. When the “hunks” showed up, the rest of the wads shit themselves, while David was completely unfazed. It wasn’t that he thought he was better looking than the “studs”. He just didn’t give a shit. He was, dare I even say it, cool about it. Good for him.
Finally, we have to mention the last “Average Joe”, Mike, because he was the only that could possibly qualify as an “average” guy on the whole island.
Mike was of average height, build and looks. He was perfectly average in every way… if you discount his past history of vicious alcohol and heroine addiction and that the entire left side of his body was completely tattooed. On Average Joe, even the average guy wasn’t very average.
For two episodes, these were the “men” Larissa had to choose from, until the producers tossed a boatload of vapid pretty boys into the mix. Needless to say, the “Joes” began exiting the show pretty quick.
The final two came down to Brian Worth, the shithand man, and Gil:
Gil was a very life-like Asimov-ian automaton, masquerading as a carpenter from Fort Lauderdale, Fl. Gil and Brian each had a final date with Larissa, one chance to show her exactly what she meant to each of them. Brian brought her into his life. She met his friends. She met his favorite baseball player. And in an emotional moment, Brian told Larissa that for the first time in his life, “my walls are coming down. I have lots of feelings. One of them is love.” Yes. Brian told Larissa that he loved her and made her cry. Brian had, throughout the show, spoken of how he’d never loved any of his past girlfriends and had a wall around his heart. Never mind that his past “girlfriends” probably consisted of a couple of huge fat asses and a woman in his office who tripped over a vacuum cord and, in breaking her fall, accidentally brushed against his penis.
The courage it took for Brian Worth to tear down those walls around his heart and fall in love with a girl like Larissa, was truly soul affirming. Because we know that guys like Brian find it very difficult to give into feelings like that while dating a woman who looks like this:
Gil and Larissa’s final date went a little differently. He basically brought her to a construction site where he was hanging some sheetrock and then took her to Applebees. Once there, Larissa asked Gil what he hoped to get out of their meeting. Expecting an answer like, “I want to meet my soulmate” or “I want to see if you and I can really make this work” or, at the very least, “I’d like to screw you until my dick falls off.” Gil, instead, said without missing a beat, “I’d like to be an actor.” That’s what he wanted to get out of his experience on the show with Larissa. He wants to be “waiter #2” on Judging Amy.
It all came down to the final elimination. Larissa stood between a private jet that would whisk her and whichever bachelor she chose to a fantasy vacation destination and a bus with the engine running, ready to haul off whatever pathetic loser she dumped. Gil, the “actor” shows up first. If ever there was a time when an “Average Joe” stood a chance it was this one. This wasn’t like Average Joe 1 where Melana picked good-looking Jason after they truly hit it off. Gil had basically told Larissa he was using her to get on TV. In contrast, Brian had confessed his undying worship and love for her. What was she going to do?
Pick Gil, of course. As he and Larissa flew off to their resort destination, Brian sat alone and unloved in the bus after being dumped, ironically, like a handful of turds. Larissa had once again picked the “wish”.
Only, be careful what you wish for. In a startling turn of events, Larissa had been keeping a shocking secret from the guys until the very end. A secret that could shatter lives and tear apart relationships forever. All week we’d waited to hear the secret. Was she once married? Had she posed for Playboy? Was she once a man?
A couple of days into her excursion with Gil, she dropped the bomb.
Her ex-boyfriend was Fabio.
Yes.
That’s right.
That was the secret.
Fabio.
Gil freaks out. He kicks rocks. Runs into the ocean and attacks the waves. He can’t deal with it. Fabio, as usual, had ruined everything. Gil, while packing up his things to leave Larissa says, “It’s Fabio. All I can think about is those cheesy romance novels. Think how you’d feel about it. That’s how I feel. Any guy in the United States of America can feel with me on this one.”
No, Gil, you fuckstick, I guarantee most guys can’t. Because Larissa looks like this:
And you’re an idiot. Gil leaves the hotel, turning to Larissa just before departing to give a “hmph” of complete disgust. Larissa, in tears, realizes the irony of her situation. Over the last few weeks she had been rejecting guys like it was going out of style. Now she sat alone and rejected herself. The irony that was lost on her, but not me, as she talked about understanding how “Poop-fingered” Brian felt, was that, as hard as she had tried not to, she still managed to pick a fucking dork.
(Originally posted 3-11-2004)
I have, with much joy, watched each and every reality dating show there is. I watched Aaron Beurge ruin three beautiful women for life on the second Bachelor. I’ve seen Erin Brodie dump the all time goofiest bachelor in history, Rob Campos, in exchange for a million dollars. I witnessed Haley Arp dry humping guys dressed as Mexican wrestlers on Mr. Personality. I have even observed the incredibly uncomfortable, robotic, and hilariously stereotypical gay dates of Boy Meets Boy’s James Getzlaff. Still, nothing could have prepared me for the pure, unmitigated joy I was given by NBC’s Average Joe.
First off, it must be noted that Average Joe has brought us the two all time hottest Reality TV bachelorettes in history. BY FAR. Average Joe 1 starred Melana Scantlin, 2002’s Miss Missouri.
This is her:
Yeah. That’s right. God help us all. Now, sure, your Haleys, Helenes and Tristas are lovely women. Granted, you can keep your giant-faced Merediths, skeletal Estellas and uber-perky Kelly Jos, but there have been a handful of truly attractive ladies on these dating shows.
Then Melana shows up and sets them all on fire. In addition to being a former Miss Missouri and Miss USA contestant, she was also a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader. She pretty much meets every single unreasonable and unrealistic standard you selected for your future girlfriend when you were twelve.
I know you’re thinking, “Well done, NBC,” but you know absolutely nothing.
I give you Average Joe 2’s Larissa Meeks:
Where Melana’s hotness could certainly cause skin irritation, some blistering, and the need for various ointments and creams, Larissa burned the very eyes from your sockets, cooked your internal organs and left you a dried, mummified corpse. Larissa was 2001’s Miss Missouri and 4th runner-up in that year’s Miss USA pageant. If Melana was the girlfriend you specifically requested from God at twelve, Larissa’s the one you would have left her for.
Why is all this worth mentioning? Because on Average Joe, this is the sort of guy NBC found for Melana and Larissa to date:
Meet David Daskal. He’s a mail sorter and lifetime wedgie recipient from Maryland Heights, MO. David says he doesn’t date many women because he’s “picky”. Uh-huh.
And here’s Tony with his design-o-beard. He’s a bald mutant with no sweat glands. Seriously. He cannot sweat. It was okay, because his lack of perspiration was more than made up for by the copious amounts of sweat pooling under:
Sean! The human hydration machine! In one episode, Sean flooded an entire kitchen from overly exerting himself while slicing a tomato.
So you see the beauty of this show. Where NBC pretended they were trying to discover whether an “average” guy could hook up with an all-world hot chick, in reality they had scoured the country for a circus-worthy group of freaks, jackoffs, fat bastards, geeks and nerds. Awesome.
Let’s take a look, shall we. Let’s start with…
THE FREAKS
Playing for the freaks in AJ2, we have the aforementioned Tony:
In addition to being bald, sweat gland-less, and the author of a self-induced beard mangling, Tony’s also an artist who can’t do art. On his and Larissa’s first date, he suggested they each paint a picture of one another. We never really get to see much of Larissa’s, but if she’d managed so much as a very dry-looking stickman with magic marker on his face, she captured Tony perfectly. Tony’s painting, on the other hand, became a recurring plot point. He worked on it for episodes at a time before finally presenting it to her. And when he unveiled the painting at last, it looked just like Larissa. If she’d been exhumed from her grave thirty or so years after her death and had died from sucking a poisoned lemon.
This is CJ:
CJ is a Civil Engineer from Denver, CO. and the proud father of a HUGE puss-filled herpes sore growing on the right side of his mouth. On the Average Joe website, CJ laments that Larissa never really got to know him. I can’t imagine why she might avoid a guy with an oozing, Lovecraftian boil undulating on his face. Girls usually love that.
CJ and Tony are joined on the Freak Team by Chris:
Chris is a musician (supposedly) who dresses like an extra in a Wisconsin public school version of Grease. All the time. Every day of his life. When asked what kind of women he usually dates, Chris said “artists, Rockabilly girls and vintage-inspired girls,” Yeah… So fat chicks, then.
Let’s now move to…
THE JACKOFFS:
This is Tim:
Tim took time off planning his next serial killing to join the cast of a reality show. In one episode, Tim was supposed to “box” Tony, but instead decided to add him to the human skin-coat he’s been crafting the last two and a half years by attacking him like a wild be-freckled animal.
Tim can get stalking advice from fellow Jackoff Brian G.:
Brian G. spends his spare time at the local gym secretly following around a girl who looks like Kristen Davis from Sex and the City and pretending to fish quarters out of his pocket to buy protein bars when he’s caught mid rub-off behind the lat machine.
Batting next for the Jackoffs is Justin:
Justin is an environmental scientist and recipient of more than twenty bee stings while on the show. Justin left early due to a “personal” issue and didn’t get the chance to be rejected by Larissa face to face. Dammit.
And now, the very king of the Jackoffs, Fredo:
Fredo is a 31 year-old construction worker with a ponytail. What sets him apart is that he actually believed he stood a chance with Larissa throughout the show until he witnessed her on the beach giving “good looking” guy Jim a tonsil exam with her tongue from the comfort of… wait for it… HIS SUBMARINE! YES! A fucking submarine! In a move so inspired, as if taken from some ethereal “idea” realm where cherubs give forth quadratic nuclear equations and works of great art and literature, the producers actually provided Fredo with his own submarine in order to spy on Jim and Larissa’s Cinemax workout. Fredo was shocked at Larissa’s actions and turned his mini-sub around to delve into the dark depths of the Pacific Ocean, never to be seen or heard from again.
Now we come to the…
FAT BASTARDS.
We’ve already mentioned Sean:
Sean is, not surprisingly, a chef. He also moonlights as a garden sprinkler. Sean produces roughly seventeen and a half quarts of sweat per minute. He dripped, dribbled and spurted non stop until he was finally given a very slippery heave-ho from the show. Sean produced so much water that he actually looked kind of refreshing. Like a condensation-beaded bottle of Sprite in a commercial. I’m thirsty just thinking about him.
We should add Bill:
We didn’t see much of Bill, as Larissa kicked the fatties to the curb pretty quick. He made the first cut and that was it. His downfall was probably the group scuba date with Larissa where a Japanese whaling ship pulled along side him in the water, harpooned him and then harvested his sex organs and precious oils. As a guy, you really can’t recover from something like that.
Squeezed next to Bill at the buffet table is Donato:
I think Donato’s problems began when he attempted to give Larissa a piece of sugar cane (because she was “so sweet”), but then brutally mauled her in order to get it back. He was distraught at his elimination, saying that he would one day “make someone a really good man” which isn’t true. By my estimation, Donato could make someone at least four really good men.
Rounding out the round ones was Samuel:
Sam could never get close enough to Larissa to have a private conversation because his giant trampoline-like belly always propelled her like a rag-doll across the patio. He was, unsurprisingly, eliminated in the same episode as Donato and Bill. But shockingly, Sean the sweaty chef hung around for one more episode humidifying and frizzing the hair of all who stood near him.
THE GEEKS:
What’s the difference between a “geek” and a “nerd” you ask? It’s simple. A nerd knows he’s a giant spaz, has come to terms with it, accepted it, and is able to gain some enjoyment out of his sad sack little life. A geek is completely oblivious to the fact that he’s a foaming tool.
Our first geek is Robert:
Robert looks like the product of a failed experiment to genetically combine Adam Sandler and that vulture with the giant goozle from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. This experiment, while giving Robert life, stripped him of the ability to speak coherently. He manages a few words, but within seconds his language becomes a babbling mouthful of pool balls, punctuated by his tongue jutting from his mouth and his eyes crossing. On the Average Joe website, Robert says that after speaking with Larissa, “I just felt like this great big goober”. An insult to goobers everywhere, I assure you.
Standing unpicked for the gym class baseball game along with Robert is Thomas:
Thomas is a rapper and break dancer. Oh yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. I said, THOMAS IS A RAPPER AND BREAK DANCER. Thomas is also 5-4 and on the website said that if he could change one thing about himself, he would be 5-9. Yes. He dreams of the lofty heights of 5 feet 9 inches tall. Cheer up, Thomas. If you were taller, there would just be more of you to make fun of.
And in the corner oblivious to the dry booger dangling from his nostril is Phuc.
Phuc, pronounced “FOOK”, not “Fucking Tubby Shit-brick”, came to the show as a young overweight Asian man pretending to be a young overweight white man trying to act black. Phuc, an accountant from Brockton, MA, must have had some bad luncheon meat on the flight to Kona, because by the time he checked into the “Average Joe” house, he was under the impression that he was a full on Crip gangsta from the hood. And if you know Brockton, Massachusetts, you know the Crips absolutely own the place. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Adam, shouldn’t Phuc be a Fat Bastard?” Just cosmetically, because Phuc was not only under the impression that he was of African ancestry, but that he was cool as well. Unforgivable. One of Phuc’s last moments on the show pretty much sums him up. As Larissa tried to speak to him privately, Phuc found himself unable to actually look her in the bikini for fear of popping a stubby little boner (and come to think of it, Phuc actually looked like an anthropomorphic stubby little boner). Yeah. I know. What a Phuc-ing geek.
And now, a special word about Brain Worth:
Brain is a 31 year-old Auditor for the Department of Homeland Security. Yes. One of the people protecting our country from terrorists was one of the Average Joe dip-rods. Brian warrants special mention for many reasons, not the least of which is that he made it to the end of the show. (Larissa was contractually obligated to keep a goof-ball on the show until the final episode.) Brian broke the ice with Larissa in his first alone time by asking her, “If you had a wish in one hand, and a lump of crap in the other, what do you think would come true?” Larissa chose the wish, in the vain hope that she could wish herself away from Brian and his feces related fantasies. You know, that’s the first thing I think of when I see a mythically beautiful woman. I wonder how she’d like a genie and a fistload of shit. It’s also worth noting that Brian added the word “wicked” to other words like “bad”, “cool” and “awesome” unironically. Which, as you know, is wicked dorky.
THE NERDS:
Ladies, prepare yourselves for Matthew Botti:
Matthew is a 5-4, 24 year-old virgin with braces covering his giant, squash-colored horse-teeth. Those of you that watched the show may remember Matthew describing himself as “pretty cool”, warranting his inclusion with the geeks. I disagree. The guy admitted he was a virgin on national television. Not that it would have done him any good to deny it, but still, it takes real balls to admit that no one but you has ever touched your real balls.
Now we reintroduce ourselves to David Daskal:
David was, for a while, the star of the show and the very symbol of how badly Larissa was being hosed. In one competition, the “Joes” had to swim around a buoy and then ride a bicycle. David, after finishing his achingly slow swim in his giant lifejacket, had to bow out of the contest because he had never ridden a bike before. He didn’t know how. David did manage an alone date with Larissa before he was flushed, during which he not only serenaded her with a rock song he’d written especially for her, he , unbelievably, kissed her. Watching Larissa pull away from David and then realize she was on TV and would look like a bitch if she didn’t let him touch his spastic lips to her perfect ones was positively surreal. A lifetime of horror in one split second. It was like watching Fear Factor. You could tell she would have rather have been eating a donkey’s anus at that moment. Instead, she had to endure David pressing his tragically ugly face against hers, filling her nostrils with the smell of spam and cheese whiz. It was great.
It bears mentioning that David, wank that he is, is completely and totally settled in his identity. When the “hunks” showed up, the rest of the wads shit themselves, while David was completely unfazed. It wasn’t that he thought he was better looking than the “studs”. He just didn’t give a shit. He was, dare I even say it, cool about it. Good for him.
Finally, we have to mention the last “Average Joe”, Mike, because he was the only that could possibly qualify as an “average” guy on the whole island.
Mike was of average height, build and looks. He was perfectly average in every way… if you discount his past history of vicious alcohol and heroine addiction and that the entire left side of his body was completely tattooed. On Average Joe, even the average guy wasn’t very average.
For two episodes, these were the “men” Larissa had to choose from, until the producers tossed a boatload of vapid pretty boys into the mix. Needless to say, the “Joes” began exiting the show pretty quick.
The final two came down to Brian Worth, the shithand man, and Gil:
Gil was a very life-like Asimov-ian automaton, masquerading as a carpenter from Fort Lauderdale, Fl. Gil and Brian each had a final date with Larissa, one chance to show her exactly what she meant to each of them. Brian brought her into his life. She met his friends. She met his favorite baseball player. And in an emotional moment, Brian told Larissa that for the first time in his life, “my walls are coming down. I have lots of feelings. One of them is love.” Yes. Brian told Larissa that he loved her and made her cry. Brian had, throughout the show, spoken of how he’d never loved any of his past girlfriends and had a wall around his heart. Never mind that his past “girlfriends” probably consisted of a couple of huge fat asses and a woman in his office who tripped over a vacuum cord and, in breaking her fall, accidentally brushed against his penis.
The courage it took for Brian Worth to tear down those walls around his heart and fall in love with a girl like Larissa, was truly soul affirming. Because we know that guys like Brian find it very difficult to give into feelings like that while dating a woman who looks like this:
Gil and Larissa’s final date went a little differently. He basically brought her to a construction site where he was hanging some sheetrock and then took her to Applebees. Once there, Larissa asked Gil what he hoped to get out of their meeting. Expecting an answer like, “I want to meet my soulmate” or “I want to see if you and I can really make this work” or, at the very least, “I’d like to screw you until my dick falls off.” Gil, instead, said without missing a beat, “I’d like to be an actor.” That’s what he wanted to get out of his experience on the show with Larissa. He wants to be “waiter #2” on Judging Amy.
It all came down to the final elimination. Larissa stood between a private jet that would whisk her and whichever bachelor she chose to a fantasy vacation destination and a bus with the engine running, ready to haul off whatever pathetic loser she dumped. Gil, the “actor” shows up first. If ever there was a time when an “Average Joe” stood a chance it was this one. This wasn’t like Average Joe 1 where Melana picked good-looking Jason after they truly hit it off. Gil had basically told Larissa he was using her to get on TV. In contrast, Brian had confessed his undying worship and love for her. What was she going to do?
Pick Gil, of course. As he and Larissa flew off to their resort destination, Brian sat alone and unloved in the bus after being dumped, ironically, like a handful of turds. Larissa had once again picked the “wish”.
Only, be careful what you wish for. In a startling turn of events, Larissa had been keeping a shocking secret from the guys until the very end. A secret that could shatter lives and tear apart relationships forever. All week we’d waited to hear the secret. Was she once married? Had she posed for Playboy? Was she once a man?
A couple of days into her excursion with Gil, she dropped the bomb.
Her ex-boyfriend was Fabio.
Yes.
That’s right.
That was the secret.
Fabio.
Gil freaks out. He kicks rocks. Runs into the ocean and attacks the waves. He can’t deal with it. Fabio, as usual, had ruined everything. Gil, while packing up his things to leave Larissa says, “It’s Fabio. All I can think about is those cheesy romance novels. Think how you’d feel about it. That’s how I feel. Any guy in the United States of America can feel with me on this one.”
No, Gil, you fuckstick, I guarantee most guys can’t. Because Larissa looks like this:
And you’re an idiot. Gil leaves the hotel, turning to Larissa just before departing to give a “hmph” of complete disgust. Larissa, in tears, realizes the irony of her situation. Over the last few weeks she had been rejecting guys like it was going out of style. Now she sat alone and rejected herself. The irony that was lost on her, but not me, as she talked about understanding how “Poop-fingered” Brian felt, was that, as hard as she had tried not to, she still managed to pick a fucking dork.
posted by AdamGreene @ 6:38 PM
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