Reality Check 1
©Adam Greene 02/16/2004
It’s time for our weekly look at an episode of Reality Television. This column will only cover what I watch (and, trust me, that’s a lot), so if you’re looking for an in depth look at America’s Next Top Model or Real World/Road Rules Hellfire (or whatever they call it), this isn’t the place. I’m not judging those shows. I might love them if I watch them. There just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Unlike most smug bastards you’ll come across, I actually admit to liking reality shows. In fact, at this point I’m close to becoming a reality evangelist. I am constantly telling my friends what they’re missing by not watching girls in bikinis eating pig intestines or a woman picking from 25 men who want to tit-fuck her on camera. One of the criticisms that Reality TV gets is that it’s killing scripted television. This just isn’t true. It’s killing SHITTY scripted television. The occasional good show may catch a stray bullet, but for the most part, we could all do without a "Roz" spin off from Frazier. If Fear Factor has saved even one person from an episode of Yes, Dear, then it has justified its existence.
This week: The Surreal Life
Broadcast: Sunday Feb. 8, 2004
This episode revolves around two plotlines; Tammy Faye’s book signing and Ron Jeremy’s porn barbeque. I was shocked to learn that Tammy Faye Baker has a huge gay drag queen following. And I’m not kidding. SHE REALLY DOES. As Tammy, Trishelle (one of the 54 whores from Real World Las Vegas), Traci Bingham (Baywatch whore), Erik Estrada (C.H.I.P.S. whore) and Vanilla Ice (Pathetic whore) all make their way to the crowded bookstore, Ron Jeremy and his giant man-wand stay back at the ranch and invite fellow porn “actors” to a cook out. See, porn people are just like regular people. Only with huge, unmanageable genitalia.
Aside: What else could Ron Jeremy have done with his life? Seriously. How do you hold down a regular job with a penis that big? Ron has a Masters degree in special education. Did you know that? That means his career goal before someone noticed the boa constrictor in his dungarees was teaching retarded kids how to properly wear a helmet.
Back to the show: Tammy and the gang arrive at the bookstore and see gay people lined up around the block. And I’m not talking “normal” gay people, here. None of these guys were your waiter last Thursday at The Olive Garden. These were THE gay people. The official collector’s set. Each represented their own stereotype. You had drag Cher, Marilynn, and Liza. There was the lesbian motorcycle mechanic, glitter man, female Elvis Costello, skinny sick-looking guy, overly-pierced Mohawk girl with 10,000 bracelets, and the weirdly bearded man-girl. There were so many more, all looking like they just stepped out of John Ashcroft’s bad liverloaf fever dreams.
And they were all madly in love with Tammy Faye.
At the old homestead, the porn people begin arriving at Ron’s barbeque. He’s worked his sizeable ass off the entire day preparing food for people he probably ejaculated onto a week and a half ago. The first to arrive is the owner of The Bunny Ranch, a legal whorehouse in Las Vegas, with what had to be the fattest whore in the business. Is she like the discount whore? The one they offer with a coupon for a free blow job and ass thumbing? And why would the owner advertise his whorehouse with a fatty? And, for that matter, why was she so chubby? You’d think semen would be low carb. These questions are never answered and, needless to say, she’s the first one naked.
As the kids arrive home from Tammy’s book signing, Traci and Trishelle join the rest of the drunken sluts while Vanilla and Paunch sit back and watch as Tammy runs to her room and hides under the bed. With booze, whores and illegal drugs readily available, you know an appearance from Andy Dick can’t be far behind. Sure enough, he shows up and, shocker, has a history with drunken Trishelle. They knew each other and kind of almost half way dated.
Traci has her own plans. For the entire run of the show, she’s basically come on to Ron Jeremy constantly, even telling him at one point that if she wasn’t engaged to another guy, she’d screw him. She pretty much daily tries to pull his pants down in order to see what is probably the most seen penis in the world. Michelangelo’s David’ s dong hasn’t been photographed and studied as much or as often. Still, she has to have the live show. Ron would be happy to oblige, if only Traci will show him her tits. Which, like Ron’s schlong, have been thoroughly photographed and documented previously. Any half assed web search could come up with pictures of Ron’s penis and Traci’s tits. You don’t even have to type anything specific in. Just blindly stab at the keyboard, then press "enter". Viola, tits and wiener.
Aside: Why does Traci want to see Ron’s cheese stick so bad? If I’ve got to guess on the number of penises Traci’s seen up close and in person, it’d be somewhere around 10,732, and that’s probably low. And Ron’s even more puzzling. The guy lives in a universe of tits and ass. He’s practically a licensed gynecologist, for shit’s sake. Wouldn’t giant, fake breasts be downright "yawn-worthy" at this point?
Back to the show: Traci’s pathetically rich fiancé shows up and her tits remain covered. Ron pretends to care and the barbeque winds down, with Trishelle in her normal, daily drunken stupor. Trishelle’s entire existence is a cry for help. No one has gotten more pathetically drunk and whore-ish in television history than her. She deserves her own classification by now. She’s the ultimate Girl Gone Wild. It’s like she was a regular Girl Gone Wild, then with just a little bit of effort, she took it the next step further. How much further, you ask? “Passing out while tongue-kissing Andy Dick” further. How has Trishelle’s dad survived all this time?
Traci’s stupid fiancé leaves so she has time to accost Erik and Vanilla because they’re cooking some chicken. Traci’s a militant vegetarian. A militant vegetarian wearing, at that exact moment, leather shoes, a leather belt and a leather COWBOY HAT. And this is not someone who normally wears a lot of clothes. By my calculations, 60% of her wardrobe at that moment previously had a face. Of course, Erik and Vanilla are too dumb to think of these things while Traci attacks their buffalo wings.
The episode ends with an appearance by Ron’s special friend, Rick James, as a surprise for star struck Vanilla. Man, he loves Rick James. LOOOOOVES HIM. In fact, he loves him so much that he doesn’t self destruct when Rick says he looks just like he used to in the Ice, Ice Baby days. Something that usually makes Vanilla’s head implode. Instead, they all sit and talk a while and Rick, shockingly, smacks absolutely no one in the face.
It’s time for our weekly look at an episode of Reality Television. This column will only cover what I watch (and, trust me, that’s a lot), so if you’re looking for an in depth look at America’s Next Top Model or Real World/Road Rules Hellfire (or whatever they call it), this isn’t the place. I’m not judging those shows. I might love them if I watch them. There just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Unlike most smug bastards you’ll come across, I actually admit to liking reality shows. In fact, at this point I’m close to becoming a reality evangelist. I am constantly telling my friends what they’re missing by not watching girls in bikinis eating pig intestines or a woman picking from 25 men who want to tit-fuck her on camera. One of the criticisms that Reality TV gets is that it’s killing scripted television. This just isn’t true. It’s killing SHITTY scripted television. The occasional good show may catch a stray bullet, but for the most part, we could all do without a "Roz" spin off from Frazier. If Fear Factor has saved even one person from an episode of Yes, Dear, then it has justified its existence.
This week: The Surreal Life
Broadcast: Sunday Feb. 8, 2004
This episode revolves around two plotlines; Tammy Faye’s book signing and Ron Jeremy’s porn barbeque. I was shocked to learn that Tammy Faye Baker has a huge gay drag queen following. And I’m not kidding. SHE REALLY DOES. As Tammy, Trishelle (one of the 54 whores from Real World Las Vegas), Traci Bingham (Baywatch whore), Erik Estrada (C.H.I.P.S. whore) and Vanilla Ice (Pathetic whore) all make their way to the crowded bookstore, Ron Jeremy and his giant man-wand stay back at the ranch and invite fellow porn “actors” to a cook out. See, porn people are just like regular people. Only with huge, unmanageable genitalia.
Aside: What else could Ron Jeremy have done with his life? Seriously. How do you hold down a regular job with a penis that big? Ron has a Masters degree in special education. Did you know that? That means his career goal before someone noticed the boa constrictor in his dungarees was teaching retarded kids how to properly wear a helmet.
Back to the show: Tammy and the gang arrive at the bookstore and see gay people lined up around the block. And I’m not talking “normal” gay people, here. None of these guys were your waiter last Thursday at The Olive Garden. These were THE gay people. The official collector’s set. Each represented their own stereotype. You had drag Cher, Marilynn, and Liza. There was the lesbian motorcycle mechanic, glitter man, female Elvis Costello, skinny sick-looking guy, overly-pierced Mohawk girl with 10,000 bracelets, and the weirdly bearded man-girl. There were so many more, all looking like they just stepped out of John Ashcroft’s bad liverloaf fever dreams.
And they were all madly in love with Tammy Faye.
At the old homestead, the porn people begin arriving at Ron’s barbeque. He’s worked his sizeable ass off the entire day preparing food for people he probably ejaculated onto a week and a half ago. The first to arrive is the owner of The Bunny Ranch, a legal whorehouse in Las Vegas, with what had to be the fattest whore in the business. Is she like the discount whore? The one they offer with a coupon for a free blow job and ass thumbing? And why would the owner advertise his whorehouse with a fatty? And, for that matter, why was she so chubby? You’d think semen would be low carb. These questions are never answered and, needless to say, she’s the first one naked.
As the kids arrive home from Tammy’s book signing, Traci and Trishelle join the rest of the drunken sluts while Vanilla and Paunch sit back and watch as Tammy runs to her room and hides under the bed. With booze, whores and illegal drugs readily available, you know an appearance from Andy Dick can’t be far behind. Sure enough, he shows up and, shocker, has a history with drunken Trishelle. They knew each other and kind of almost half way dated.
Traci has her own plans. For the entire run of the show, she’s basically come on to Ron Jeremy constantly, even telling him at one point that if she wasn’t engaged to another guy, she’d screw him. She pretty much daily tries to pull his pants down in order to see what is probably the most seen penis in the world. Michelangelo’s David’ s dong hasn’t been photographed and studied as much or as often. Still, she has to have the live show. Ron would be happy to oblige, if only Traci will show him her tits. Which, like Ron’s schlong, have been thoroughly photographed and documented previously. Any half assed web search could come up with pictures of Ron’s penis and Traci’s tits. You don’t even have to type anything specific in. Just blindly stab at the keyboard, then press "enter". Viola, tits and wiener.
Aside: Why does Traci want to see Ron’s cheese stick so bad? If I’ve got to guess on the number of penises Traci’s seen up close and in person, it’d be somewhere around 10,732, and that’s probably low. And Ron’s even more puzzling. The guy lives in a universe of tits and ass. He’s practically a licensed gynecologist, for shit’s sake. Wouldn’t giant, fake breasts be downright "yawn-worthy" at this point?
Back to the show: Traci’s pathetically rich fiancé shows up and her tits remain covered. Ron pretends to care and the barbeque winds down, with Trishelle in her normal, daily drunken stupor. Trishelle’s entire existence is a cry for help. No one has gotten more pathetically drunk and whore-ish in television history than her. She deserves her own classification by now. She’s the ultimate Girl Gone Wild. It’s like she was a regular Girl Gone Wild, then with just a little bit of effort, she took it the next step further. How much further, you ask? “Passing out while tongue-kissing Andy Dick” further. How has Trishelle’s dad survived all this time?
Traci’s stupid fiancé leaves so she has time to accost Erik and Vanilla because they’re cooking some chicken. Traci’s a militant vegetarian. A militant vegetarian wearing, at that exact moment, leather shoes, a leather belt and a leather COWBOY HAT. And this is not someone who normally wears a lot of clothes. By my calculations, 60% of her wardrobe at that moment previously had a face. Of course, Erik and Vanilla are too dumb to think of these things while Traci attacks their buffalo wings.
The episode ends with an appearance by Ron’s special friend, Rick James, as a surprise for star struck Vanilla. Man, he loves Rick James. LOOOOOVES HIM. In fact, he loves him so much that he doesn’t self destruct when Rick says he looks just like he used to in the Ice, Ice Baby days. Something that usually makes Vanilla’s head implode. Instead, they all sit and talk a while and Rick, shockingly, smacks absolutely no one in the face.
posted by AdamGreene @ 10:54 PM
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