Since You've Been Gone...

By Adam Greene

1 Year, 5 months.

That’s how long it’s been since I last updated the site.

I’ve come close a couple of times but run out of steam. I had what I thought was a great idea when Michael Vick went down for killing a truckload of pit bulls in various inventive SAW/Hostel-type ways.



It was a request, really to make some time before he ventured into whatever Georgia penitentiary/ass-rapiary his punishment takes him, to come to my neighborhood and kill a nearby pit bull that lives in a 4x4 foot cage, stares me down like a pork tenderloin anytime I go outside and barks all day AT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.



I even had suggestions for new killing methods, since he was probably so bored with electrocuting, hanging and drowning dogs he hasn’t been able to get a proper erection in months. I thought he could maybe try something like woodchippers, a battle-robot with spinning lawn mower blades or some sort of fire-shooting samurai sword. You know, a good, brutal kill he could take to prison with him for those long, cold nights when watching his cellmate, Browneye Larry, bend over to fish his toothbrush out of the toilet doesn’t do anything for him.



Then, there was Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Tennessee Titans who, darn the luck, seemed to be completely unable to venture inside a strip club without someone opening fire with a blunderbuss. By my count, 4 different times “Pacman” has been involved in an epic gunbattle at a gentlemen’s club. That’s right, FOUR times.



It seems to me that after, perhaps, the third time a sniper round whizzed by your temple while entering the Boob-Hut, maybe you’d not return. You might possibly invest in some pornography or a private dancer in your own home, if money wasn’t an object. Did he have nothing better to do at a strip club that shoot up the place like he’s there to rescue Morpheus? I mean, I’m no expert, but aren’t there titties inside?

I think “Pacman” is named after the wrong video game. He should be Adam “Grand Theft Auto” Jones or Adam “Saints Row” Jones or, perhaps it could be Adam “25 to Life” Jones…but then I don’t think even he is a big enough douchebag for that.



Don Imus almost had me knocking together an update. One of the main reasons was that I was shocked that he was still alive. And then I saw some pictures of him and began to doubt even that.



Those, and probably some more moments I’ll think of later, made me want to fire up the old website and write 3,000-word treatises, but I didn’t. And it’s because I’ve actually been working and it’s sucked whole loads of ass.

Writing for a living, at least in the way I’ve had to do it, is actually work. Especially for a newspaper, because that shit has to go down every single day. You have to come up with something all the time, no matter how inane. Need somebody to cover your attempt at breaking 472 watermelons with a single cobra kick? I was your guy.



I once wrote a 32-inch article on brook trout fishing. I couldn’t give a flying shit about a brook trout. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a brook trout. I have to tell you, though, after writing that article, if I ever did see one I would punch it in its fucking face.



Things are significantly calmer now with my sports work and the other freelance writing that I do, so I’m jumping back in. I have ideas, plans, schemes and strategic thoughts about what I’m going to do here. I began this site back in Feb. 2004 when I turned 30 as a means to get my writing out to get a job and spur some more creative work. It worked pretty well and now I no longer have to hold any form of honest employment.

Now, I want to do it again.

If this is your first time here, well, hello there.

Second, since it has been so long since I last updated, I’m listing my Top Ten Favorite website updates. On the right side of the page over there, you’ll see some links. They take you to my Myspace page or other areas of the site. I use Myspace to announce site updates and post excerpts. I don’t post full articles there, well, because its Myspace, for shit’s sake. Same goes for Comicspace and Tagworld.

The “Old Comedy Pieces” section has work that is too dated to pretend that it’s new. “Words and Pictures” is photos with funny words under them. I’m leaving it as an archive and I’m going to start posting new ones on the front page. You’ll also notice that I’ve listed it in my Top Ten.


So here’s a primer. My own personal Ten Favorite Things on the Site.

1. Not So Super
2. Where Have You Gone, Keyshawn?
3. Words and Pictures
4. My First WNBA Experience
5. The Greatest Photo Ever Taken
6. Tale as Old as Time
7. You, Sir, Are Jim Lampley
8. My Ward
9. Lameness 101
10. Men. In Hats.